Lets have a heart to heart. I am struggling at the moment, and the only way to make any sense of that is to write it all down. So I guess this post is more thoughts, feelings and positive goals that then follow on from that.
This pandemic has really bought out a lot of emotion in me, more so recently. It has honestly given me a moment to stand still and completely evaluate my life. These past what, eight months or so, have really been a bit of a blur. Fast and slow. Sad but manageable. Some good in a lot of bad. It’s made me aware of what’s important and what isn’t. A stark realisation of how I was living my life before and how I now want to move in a different direction. How I’m no longer a care-free twenty-something year old and I have some sort of accountability for hitting this kind of scary adulthood. I’m really lucky to be home with my parents who are thankfully healthy and I know that not everyone has had that luxury. It wasn’t enough for me though. We always want what we don’t have, don’t we? We want what someone else has. I did a lot of general life comparison throughout that first stage of lock down and that took me to a really dark place. Was I ever really fully content and happy. I was drinking alone sometimes just to squash any feelings that I didn’t want to feel. I didn’t want them to surface for fear of them never going away. I guess I didn’t want to open the flood gates. It’s all been brewing, I feel. I think I have been suffering for a while, mentally, and although I have been taking positive steps in order to be ‘where I feel I should be’ in life, I am still covering up some cracks. I give myself a really hard time for still living at home at 30. I give myself a hard time for not being more financially stable. I give myself a hard time for not being able to hold my family together when things get tough. I give myself a hard time for not being a better girlfriend, for not being the best version of myself, for me and everyone else around me, every day, every night, 24/7. I’m the kind of girl that always puts on a front and I guess because of that I been living in this negative bubble for some time now. Mix all of that with alcohol and you have get an unstable Emma.
I started to take positive steps to a happy, healthier me. Less social media, more yoga, better nutrition. You can do all of that but if you are not dealing with the root of the issue, it’s really just putting a pin in things. It will surface again and I can’t control when that might happen. Being down in the dumps and struggling mentally whilst convincing myself I can still have a drink here and there and handle my emotions has probably been my biggest downfall. If you’re not happy day to day, then it’s impossible to be a happy drunk. You can pretend, sure, but it’s never going to have a fairy tale ending.
This leads me to straight onto goal number one, knocking alcohol on the head for a little bit. I’ve always been known for loving a drink, a ‘good time girl’, always up for a laugh and an over the top party. I think I have always known that I have had a slightly unhealthy relationship with alcohol and I think that stems from seeing the dangerous effects of that first-hand from family members. Sadly, one of those now not even with us because of that. Whilst I am feeling the way that I do now, it’s just not needed. It’s certainly not going to help anything. I’m that person, though, which goes… oh but my birthday is coming up soon, Christmas is on the way so how can I turn down a drink? Although, I have never actually ‘needed’ it. My brain doesn’t think about the now or contemplates just taking things day by day. I’m an obsessive like that. I obsess over things that haven’t yet happened. It’s exhausting to be honest. God, this is a bit deep isn’t it? I’m sorry if you’ve come here for some feel-good ‘life is great’ reading and now you’re faced with all my woes. I just know that I am not alone in this and if I can bring some comfort to anyone else feeling the same as me, then it’s worth putting myself out there. This isn’t easy, one bit.
Okay, so I’m not drinking, what the hell am I filling my time with? That’s something I need to figure out. My brain doesn’t stop. I’m not very good at relaxing and being on my own. I used to love a weekend by myself but since my mental health has taken a dip, and a worldwide pandemic causing all sorts of anxiety, the idea of being alone with my thoughts makes me feel just that, quite anxious. I’ve said this before on here but I used to be really independent and I need to get some of that back. The yoga sessions really help with this and I need more hobbies and ‘me time’ like that. Otherwise, I can be quite a needy person. I mean, I am a Scorpio so everything (and I mean everything in life) is all or nothing for me anyway. We don’t do half-hearted. So goal number two is to immerse myself in my hobbies and to fill that time spent alone with something to do, something new to learn. I think if I do something rewarding for myself that will give me a huge sense of satisfaction. It’s finding that balance between busy because you want to be, because you are doing something you enjoy, or busy for the sake of it.
A major goal that has been on the cards for a while now is moving out. Ideally I don’t want to rent, I know it’s not a long-term plan, however when I lived alone before when I was renting it was the best thing for me. When you live alone you have your space, your little ‘home’, your own freedom, my relationships with my parents were better and I think that balance is naturally there. You can build your own boundaries, set your own rules. Being at my family home during COVID has helped me financially and to really get to grips and sort out my money and clear some personal debt, I also passed my probation at work and so I was waiting to reach that for the security. So, in a few months I will be in a position to move out again by myself. I think this will alleviate a lot of the above, I’m just doing it in a different order to what I want. That’s something I need to let go of, too.
My October goals are for me. I need to be kinder and more patient with myself. This year has just been weird on a worldwide kind of level and a personal one, I don’t doubt that it’s affecting everyone in different ways, and so it’s really important to take life day by day right now.
It's Emma over email but Ems face-to-face. By title, I'm a writer, photographer, creative, social media co-ordinator and more importantly rosé drinker. I'm also a daughter, sister, auntie, girlfriend and friend. I overshare and I swear. I have been dedicating my time to this space for four years. Lifestyle topics are my specialty, with a dose of daily fashion thrown in for good measure.