‘You can’t skip chapters, that’s not how life works. You have to read every line, meet every character. You won’t enjoy all of it. Hell, some chapters will make you cry for weeks. You will read things you don’t want to read, you will have moments when you don’t want the pages to end. But you have to keep going. Stories keep the world revolving. Live yours, don’t miss out’.
Tapping through everyone’s year reviews over on Instagram has been pretty refreshing. Lots of honesty. I feel like social media is shifting and it doesn’t feel as fake as it did earlier on in the year. It doesn’t feel so ‘look at me my life is great’. Perhaps it’s a community feel that’s changing, but I am pleased. Don’t get me wrong, life can be great. I feel like I have had some perfect moments in a really imperfect year. I always find writing very therapeutic and cleansing. A lot of the time, I write but I never even post, it doesn’t always make it onto here. I always have so many thoughts whirling around all the time and it’s hard to hold onto all of them. Some stay, some find their way free. Funny that, a little like 2018 actually. Imagine an entire year of thoughts stacked up! Exhausting. That’s what my brain feels like right now because I haven’t managed to scrape a blog post together in so bloody long. Why? Life. Life has been mad and sad, lovely and lonely. It’s been a really crazy roller coaster ride these past couple of months, to be brutally honest I’m surprised the carriage is still on the god damn track. But it is, just.
It’s a cliche move on my part but I also wanted to share a year in review. Of course in a more traditional way with a good ol’ classic blog post (for once). These thoughts won’t write themselves down, will they? I want to list everything that I have loved and everything I have lost (told you it was cliche), disliked, even hated. A mix of the good and the bad. Get it all out of my system and welcome 2019 with with a clear head, a fresh mindset, more importantly, fresh blinkers. I do have a good feeling about 2019, mainly as I feel pretty settled in my life and how things are going, where my path is heading. A few things to sort out but if that wasn’t the case, it wouldn’t be real life. I turn 30 next year and I guess I do have, to the best of my ability, my shit together. With the help from the people around me, that is.
Lets just start here shall we. With people. I had two pretty big friendship fall outs this year. They both hurt me hard. Because friendship is so different to family, or a partner, it’s your side kick, your deepest darkest secrets and feelings invested into one person. Both of these friends were in my life daily, sometimes hourly. People grow apart, upwards, sideways, it can be fucking hard to go at the same pace when someone else is geering up ahead of you and trying to take you with them. Friends also do things to hurt you, unintentionally and sadly more so for me, intentionally. It’s only when you’re past the fresh wounds that you realise maybe it’s just for the best. The end result. No more, no less, just for the best. I saw something this year that read so true; friends can break your heart too. They did. I felt heartbroken for months at the loss of two friends. I don’t doubt that they also felt the same. It’s times like that, situations like this, that the only way I know how to move forward is to cut ties, pick up the pieces and carry on with life. Because life does carry on and it will without you if you don’t go along with it. You learn to cherish your good friends, make new friends. Old memories just wash away. That’s what happens. It’s exactly as they say, C’est La Vie!
My mental health took a tumble at the later part of the year. A big bout of stress and anxiety hit me out of nowhere. Like a sack of big fat fucking potatoes. I’m the kind of person that ‘deals with shit’ by myself. I don’t often turn to others for help. I’m very independent, generally in life and emotionally. I don’t lean on others, it’s just not in my nature. With a mix of a long and lonely work commute getting me down, along with a lot of changes at work too, I gave in. I couldn’t cope for much longer. It was a really difficult place to be in. Stuck in a tunnel without any light. I was unhappy. It’s funny, the things that start to happen when you give up on yourself a little bit. I started getting eczema on my face, all around my eyes, I was always tired, I didn’t bother with make-up for weeks. Some days I didn’t brush my hair. Whilst this was all happening to me, another life milestone hit me. Our family lost my lovely Nan. That hurt the most. Out of everything I had experienced all year, this one was the worst. I was devastated, as was my family. Watching my own Mum’s heart break in front of me and not being able to do anything about it was hell. I’m very lucky that my friendship group at this point was totally solid. My close friends kept me going and my gorgeous girl gang at work looked after me. Simple things such as a morning text to start your day on the right track. They’ll never know how much I needed that.
A surprise thrown into the mix. I met someone out of the blue, right when all of the above was happening. I wasn’t expecting to become someone’s girlfriend this year, in fact I haven’t expected that for the past six years. It’s a very classy story, the way we met. I think you’ve guessed by that line it’s not. Brace yourselves guys. Basically, I flashed my bum to him in a club and the rest is history. He’s kind and thoughtful. He’s been turning tears into smiles since the day we met. I’m not sure he truly knows exactly what he’s letting himself in for and I’m not sure I give him enough credit for how well he deals with me. Keeping him on his toes, and all that. Things started looking up, finally. I turned 29 which was cute, a lovely little meal in my local pub with my number one huns. It’s all I needed and wanted. My beautiful, supportive, loyal friend Zoe got married. Watching her walk the isle was one of the most heartwarming memories of the year. We celebrated, danced the night away with the lovely ladies I met earlier in the year on the hen do in Lisbon. So many inside jokes we will remember forever! The best news that put the cherry on the icing was finding out I was going to be an Auntie again. Seeing my niece so excited to be a big sister puts an even bigger smile onto my face.
So I sit here at 6.24pm on New Years Eve with a big glass of Pinot Noir in hand, LANY on Spotify (a new favourite band of mine, for more reasons than just that) writing this post. After this, I’ll join my mum in our family home for a low key evening. It’s the only way to wave goodbye to 2018. I welcome 2019 with open arms! I hope everyone has a wonderful evening, stay safe, have fun and remember, everything does happen for a reason.
Catch you on the other side my loves!